Fake letter of self-criticism

The following letter is a composite fantasy:

Dear MIM:

I’m sorry I didn’t realize the persyn I was working under was a Freudian, until you slammed it in my face so many years later. I suppose if I had gone to the speakout or read local newspaper articles about it, I would have figured it out after an argument with you. But then again, I did not even know at that point what you were talking about: only through gossip years later can I construct this argument. I guess some people had a bumpersticker level disagreement with you and did not have the guts to do the investigation to back it up, but went behind your back to me. Pretty hellishly ironic who I was working for given what we said later.

I’m sorry I didn’t take you up on those small group discussions of Catharine MacKinnon, Phyllis Chesler, Lenin and Freud. And to think that all those years after I left that job I was also working with a *published* Freudian, and we were so quick to spread rumors about you while not addressing main issues. It must seem to you like the world is crawling with Freudians and their unconscious disciples taking up inconsistent politics and theory. The Freudians were on my side acting aggressively against you; yet, we were also the ones taking bumpersticker stands as if you were the Freudian.

I’m glad you didn’t take my comparison of you to a math professor as another racial slur, even if only because you unconsciously protected your own sexual fantasies. I did know you were a social scientist after all.

Now that I have known many political activists, I can see how it rankled you that I compared you with someone I told you favored investment in apartheid. You must have been wondering why I did that when saying it was “too obvious” and that I did not want to be like my mother.

I totally forgot that you introduced your girlfriend to our mutual male best friend and gave the greenlight before the monogamy policy. Yet, I fed weird impressions to Freudians with racist axes to grind. It goes to show that we were completely ad hominem and not even accurate in our ad hominem attacks. A third persyn with a bumper-sticker stand and one of the few Maoists to side with me when I was wrong on this was the one to recruit a hard-liner for the Freudian line on incest – you know that incest is prevalent and none of those memories are suggested or invented. Go figure! Why is it that no one cares about consistency?

I regret having provided computer support to someone who was never even in the building regarding a certain racial incident we created a rumor for. We were quick to come up with that because our feelings were hurt, but we left dangerous rumors floating in the air for decades. You always warned us about accountability and the fact that it is easy to recruit in guises. You warned us not to be quarter-assed, but I ended up working with a racist network that not only spread false rumors but also spied on you.

I can’t believe I didn’t figure out what Marxism not being “accounting and statistics” referred to along with criticism of the “engineering perspective.” To think I was duped by some racists that obvious. And then the backstabbing! Why couldn’t anyone figure it out without your having to get persynally involved? We all knew that Marx’s main work Das Kapital was full of math, but we all pretended otherwise instead of expressing outrage. What if someone had said to another party, “Maoism is not all picking watermelons for the capitalists!”

I remember in school liking the teachers who left a warm and fuzzy feeling. I blocked out the ones with unpleasant affect. I guess that’s why I found it easier to work with inconsistent whites who said pleasant things to your face than to struggle hard over politics and theory of race, gender and class. There is no other explanation for why I agree with you on the white working class and still worked with these other people against you. I did figure out that cardinal principles require unanimity, even if I did not figure it out as quickly as party and RAIL members. I agreed with that, but I was not consistent in my politics. Sometimes I worked on the prisoner angle, but other times I went back to what I was doing before.

I’m still struggling with why I thought the Democratic Party is the real politics and what you were doing was not. You probably think I’m just bought off. I can see now that you had a good thing going and we got in the way. You were right to purge X. She turned out to be a crypto-Democrat. In fact, I can see that none of the people purged followed their own constitutional promises to form their own organizations upholding the cardinal principles. They all compromised what they used to say were their principles after they left MIM.

Even if White House politics were the real politics, we ended up doing and hiding something that we seek the White House to stop. The right to a job for any race has been won. It’s time to take the struggle to the next level.

As to why Lansing knew and conducted an investigation, the city council knew, federal level Republicans knew, local Democratic Party leaders knew and yet my circles did not know — well I will only plead age on that one point. I do blame the more senior people who should have known better than to do all that. I shouldn’t have gone along with them. When given the choice between struggling over issues with other people their age, or copping out of struggle and following the political leadership of people a generation older, youth should opt for struggle in their own context instead of scheming with elders.

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